I took a “Which Friends character are you?” quiz and I got The Central Perk couch.
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Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
“Where were you?”
“Working late.”
“Do you think I’m stupid?”
“Don’t be paranoid, Loretta.”
“Paranoid? Paranoid?!?”
“Just calm d-”
“GO LOOK IN THE MIRROR MARVIN.”
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
God: you can sting people more than once.
Wasp: I mean that’s-that’s not that big a deal.
God: oh. hey Bee come here for a second.
Bee: what’s up?
God: Wasp, tell Bee what you just told me.
Wasp:
Hide and seek but only they forget to look for you.
Them:
Me: damn I picked a good spot.
Art by Pastelkatto
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
If my kids ask, bears are attracted to the sound of fighting children.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
Providing directions like “when the wind blows northeasterly, you’ll come to a rickety old white mansion with an old crone in a rocking chair on the porch—turn to the exact angle her nose points, then continue until a frog hits you in the face. I’ll be the one throwing the frog.”
Today I learned just how long ten minutes are by doing an ab workout.
If you’re a twin you should have to tell people when you first meet them. By law. I have the right to know if there’s going to be more than one of you running around. What are you trying to pull?
dude killed a sea lion with his bike
I bought my dog a new bed because apparently a living room full of furniture and a king size bed isn’t comfy enough.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
Do you think if I slip this Dr. an extra $100, I’ll get the “good” prostate exam?
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
[ first date ]
her: i want a partner that can open my heart
me: well i am a surge-
her: and never do anything to shock me
me: protector
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Nothing makes my kid understand the value of money more than me owing them $4.37
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
What’s with the attitude? I don’t know what’s gotten into you but I know what hasn’t.
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
me: [comes running down the stairs with a baseball glove]
robber: why are u wearing a glove
me: I meant to grab my bat lol
robber: lol
Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”