WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
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I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Nailed it…🗑️🐇😅
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Would you like to learn about the Mormon Church?
“No thanks.”
Don’t judge too quickly. We have a lot of sects…
“WHERE DO I SIGN UP?”
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I’m an alcoholic
Me: Ok, but I can only afford one.
Between my boy tucking his shirt in his shorts & my girl wearing socks w/ sandals I’m confident I won’t ever have to talk to them about sex.
Music can take you places instantly.
Like whenever I hear Nickelback
playing on my car radio…It instantly takes me to another station.
*has argument with husband*
*brings up all the dumb shit he said in 2011**adds “Historian” to bio*
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
2020: I’m so glad I stayed home. That coughing guy had COVID and made everyone sick.
2021: I hope that coughing guy doesn’t have COVID that will make me sick.
2022: I hope that coughing guy has COVID but the same variant that I had last month so he won’t make me sick.
All the gas has sold out around here so I’m sending the husband out to buy a couple of horses.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
Arkansas was named when a pirate tried to spell Kansas
Who needs an Air Fryer?
What If When You Die They Ask You
“How Was Heaven?”
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
Things were getting kinda boring so thought it’d be fun to spice things up a bit!
– my 3yo, peeing everywhere except the toilet (after months of no accidents)
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Me: Babe, you are the one. The one I will fight with.
Wife: Don’t you mean for?
Me: Sure. That too.
Everyone is gangster till they touch a bandaid in a pool
Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
[robber waving gun around in bank] nobody move a muscle
[me making eye contact with him then to the popsicle in my hand then back to him]
CHEMIST: Do you like science jokes? I think they’re so
HER: No
CHEMIST: very funny
HER: Thought you were gonna say sodium funny
CHEMIST: Na
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
that feeling when you use the same word twice in a sentence and it looks like you know five words in total
That curb wasn’t there until I hit it.
My daughter has a lovebird and we’ve never gotten them sexed b/c it doesn’t matter and ppl were seriously like “but then how will you know what to name it????”
My kid was like “uh their name is Toast”
My sister got me this real fancy, expensive laundry detergent for Christmas, and I washed my bedding with it. The first night I dreamt I was drowning in a candle and the next I woke up with my blanket in my mouth. No one ever said the transition to boujee would be an easy one.