Shout out to the top 5 markets in the world, stock, super, Boston, flea and this little piggy went to.
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My washing machine keeps flashing the code for unbalanced like I know how to fix that
[first day as a pharmacist]
ME: Where are all the animals?
Me: Jesus. Get the kids inside
Wife: What’s wron-
Me: *running* JUST GET THE DAMN KIDS INSIDE
[a bee flies off of the lens of my binoculars]
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
Superpower: giving evildoers the hiccups, then on day 23, you throw them off a building but by that point they’re just sobbing “thank you”
My 5 yo just told me she decided she will only have 2 kids, because “having 4 kids like you did is annoying Mommy”
………. she’s my 3rd kid.
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
[Creation]
God: These dinosaurs are ruining the place!
Angel: Maybe they’ll evolve?
G: *throws a rock*
A: Sick shot!
G: Next time, apes
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
[kidnapper hands wife phone]
“brent”
BABY IM COMIN *kidnapper takes back phone but she can hear me yelling* IS THE HAM IN THE FRIDGE EXPIRED
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
If you ever see me on my death bed, please take me off my death bed & move me to my alive bed thx
Homophobia is stupid. Who the hell is afraid of homes.
“my dad works at Nintendo”
“No he doesn’t ur such a liar”
*Donkey Kong walks in & takes off his hat & coat*
“Hey sport, good day at school?”
Hey y’all, I finally got a smart phone. I’m a big girl now!
Anyone got a 5 year old I can borrow to teach me how to use the damn thing?
Laser hair removal? That’s dumb. If I had laser hair, I’d keep it.
When you meet your one true soulmate, you just know. I knew it immediately with my first three.