CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
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I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
One of the advantages of being a man is that chocolate doesn’t control you.
Disadvantage: Sex does.
Relevant: Chocolate is easier to get.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
[Dracula giving his son “the talk”]
Dracula: you see when two monsters love each other very much, they-
Dracula’s son: they do the mash
Dracula: *nodding* they do the monster mash
Canada has crack?
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
If the stick figure people started committing more crimes… I could be a legendary sketch artist for the FBI.
If we’re out of croutons, I’ll just turn the toaster upside down and shake it over my salad.
i guess his teacher was really pissed
i dont like how monkeys have taken ownership of the whole banana thing. i bet i like bananas almost as much as they do
People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
My unsolicited parenting advice? Clip your kids toe nails with your mouth closed. You’re welcome.
[being murdered]
omg yay i never get picked for anything
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
I just saw a commercial for a drug called Dupixent and in the commercial the voice over actually said “Do not take if you are allergic to Dupixent.”
I’m not lazy
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
If he has cleaning supplies but has a dirty house, he’s a murderer.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Everyone: New year resolutions.
2021: When will they learn…
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
Me: why are there so many rednecks at this bar
Vampire: *shifting guiltily* haha yeah weird
Food just tastes better upside-down
1. upside-down cake
2. hamburgers
3. not cereal tho
4. oh no cereal is everywhere
5. why did I do this
mail is cool because 99% of the time it’s like a J.c. penney catalogue for a previous tenant and 1% of the time it’s something you’ll go to jail for if you don’t look at
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
[trying to stick a dollar in a vending machine]
vending machine: i have a boyfriend