People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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When you’re stupid, you trust your child with an alarm clock
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
*during sex*
Me: *unrolling a wrapper*
Her: you don’t have to use a condom
Me : *mouthful of fruit by the foot* oh cool
“Do you know what female deer are called?”
“Does”
“Sorry – does you know what female deer are called?”
I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
My 3 year old reported seeing a spider-cricket and I couldn’t find it so we’re outside watching the house burn.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
I never drive behind someone with a dream catcher hanging from the rearview mirror.
DO YOU THINK YOU MIGHT FALL ASLEEP AT ANY MOMENT?!?
Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go
Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
Me: Just so you know, I’m on a juice cleanse now.
Friend: Long time?
Me: Since lunchtime.
Friend: Until?
Me: Happy Hour. Please bear with me through these difficult hours.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
agent, on phone: my clients have decided to accept your third offer
me: it’s off the table
agent: {muffled} ..what about the second
me: also off the table
agent: {muffled} ..ok fine, they’ll take first then
me: hold on, let me get my cat out of here
GOD: u wanna go back to earth?
JESUS: why
GOD: to absolve man of sin
JESUS: ehh
GOD: you’d get two birthdays
JESUS: let me get my coat
Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
Today I made a lot of people at work upset by eating my burrito wrong so I figured… Why not spread the joy 🙃
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As the best book lists of 2021 drop
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If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
Next on CNN, 600 hours of guessing what happened to a plane.
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
HER: knock it off!
CAT: lol ok
What if instead of yelling out “Oh God” during sex you yelled “Okie Dokie!”
Me: I think I saw a murder.
Policeman: Are you positive?
Me: I assume people act with the best intentions and I believe a better future is ours to make.
Policeman: About the murder.
Me: Not really. No.
My 3-year-old wanted to wash dishes but the dishes weren’t dirty enough for her so she lost her shit. Sometimes 3-year-old’s really *takes deep breath* test your patience.