People need to realize that being an alpha male has nothing to do with power and dominance and has everything to do with how many things you can carry in a store without a basket.
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The person you are trying to stalk
Is stalking another person..
Please wait
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Hugging helps break the tension with strangers in elevators.
After 21 years of marriage I thought it would be funny on National Joke Day to tell my wife I wanted to have more kids. She said “ME TOO!”
…Now what do I do?
[Snail Court]
Snail Lawyer: Permission to approach the bench, Your Honor?
Snail Judge: I’m sorry; we don’t have that kind of time.
*Password looks at itself in the mirror*
“Don’t listen to Google. You are a strong, confident password.”
Me: I’m very observant
Also me: *pulls away from drive thru without order*
It’s called courting because you will need lawyers later.
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Menopausal women would make great security guards. We are just waiting for someone to piss us off
My favorite deleted scene from Lord of the Rings is when Bilbo & Frodo discover they have a long lost hipster cousin called Douche Baggins.
Every car wash comes with a free shower if you get out of your vehicle naked.
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
The best thing about a morning walk at go-to-school hour is I get to crash-tackle all the eight year olds.
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
Accidently went when it wasn’t my turn at a 4 way stop so now I have to follow this car home to apologize
You say you’re a stoner?
Name every stone then
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide
War & Peace wasn’t written to be downloaded on your iPad, Carol. Tolstoy wrote it for you to carry around and impress people with.
Me: Forgive me father I have sinned
Priest: Get out of my house
M: But it’s a big sin
P: *sigh* Speak child
M: I broke into your house
*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
*Goes to bakery to try wedding cake samples*
Baker: “When is your wedding?”
Me: *with mouthful of cake*
“What wedding?”
So: a needle pulling thread
Thread: a way to stack your tweets
Tweet: the thing I did instead
When they honked at me to go
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
me: I stand corrected
chiropractor: you’re welcome
No my Darling, I won’t be skipping to the loo. I have a situation and I shall be walking, ever so slowly, ever so carefully, to the loo. Like I’m transporting nitroglycerin in a Conestoga over the Sierra Nevada.
Me: What is wrong with me?
Brain: You don’t listen, you’re lazy, zero etiquette, you’re broke with no ambition AND you have weird thoughts that you act out like a play.
Me: Sry, you lost me at “I don’t listen”.