If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
5-year-old daughter: Why does Mom wear makeup?
Me: To look pretty.
5: But she’s already pretty.
Me: Aww.
5: Dad, you should wear makeup.
Boy if these walls could talk I’d be like “HOLY SHIT TALKING WALLS”
The cashier seemed to appreciate that I bagged my own groceries until I unpacked them all and said, “That’s how I want you to do it.”
YOLO!
Jesus: Hold my wine!
My grandma used to read me the Bible before bed and then switched to a book about the Wright Brothers without telling me, so I thought airplanes were in the Bible til I was like, 15.
Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
Two deer walk out of a bar. The one deer says to the other, “I can’t believe I blew 40 bucks in there!”
Sorry, I had nothing this morning, I’ll see myself out.
“Oh no… Me think Jane home early.”
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Just walked into my local court house, they were all sitting around in a circle with black candles and robes trying to summon a jury #funny
I’m eating cheese paired with cheese crackers because self-care is dairy important to me
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
My patience is like a gift card, not sure how much is left but lets give it a try
I’m so lazy that I’ll break my tooth trying to get this tag off before I get up and get a scissor.
mom, dad i’d like you to meet someone, this is hornyboy12 he slid into my DMs to tell me he’s in love with me based on the highly curated version of myself i present online we’re gonna get married
At what age do people transition to walking with their hands clasped behind their backs?
why am I working on Labor Day
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
20’s: AT DAWN WE RIDE !
40’s: AT NINE WE SLEEP !
yeah 😭
[being murdered]
Me: You’re going to somehow ruin this, aren’t you?
My fitness app is exchanging me for a human that works properly.
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
My most favourite thing to do at work is leave.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
The devil on my left shoulder says “eat the cheese”
The worse devil on my right says “eat the entire pizza”
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like