It’s the embarrassment, not the blunt force trauma that kills you when you’re hit by a Smart car.
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Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
mechanic: the replacement part is gonna cost $1200
me: *did research and knows the average price is $300 so I should go somewhere else* okay
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
I’ve accepted that I’ll never know how that M+ button on a calculator works.
It would be magical for babies and toddlers to fly with animals. In that part of the plane.
My mind: You’re 18…
My body: …minutes from death.
hookup culture actually helps a lot of people clean their bedrooms
[interview]
So your resume says you used to be in the theater
yes that is correct
What made you leave it?
well, the movie ended so
“how would you like your steak prepared?”
i’d like the chefs to work together and try their best and most of all have fun
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Pancake in Spanish is panqueque, which translates back into English as *does raise the roof motion* bread whaaaat whaaaat
Wife: Honey, I’m upstairs!
*undresses on the run like Superman*
Be right up!
*stands naked in doorway*
Wife: Do you remember…
Pam: Hi
Why is it okay to eat grapes in a grocery store but as soon as I pop a bottle of champagne, I get kicked out??
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.
ME: I’ll have the steak
WAITER: with pleasure
ME: um no, with steak sauce
I like making detailed sketches of animals but when it comes to snakes I draw a line
Me {sweating profusely}: help! i’m stranded in the dessert!
Him: don’t you mean desert?
Me: {only a hand sticking up from the pudding}
Apocalypse 101: Don’t befriend the cool looking guy with a bunch of guns. Go with the one who knows how to tie knots, and can tell which plants are poisonous.
Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
Dad passed away several years ago but every Thanksgiving with the family all together I can’t help but think, you lucky bastard.
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
Her: I’ll bring the wine, you bring the sandwiches. Any kind.
[later]
Her: Umm, why is the picnic basket dripping?
My: Oh no, my ice cream sandwiches!
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
Hey girl are you soy sauce because you always “no MSG” me back
My 3-year-old stubbed his toe and then cried and screamed I’M DYING,” so I silently looked at my husband and he sighed and said, “I know. He got that from me.”
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
Random dm guy: What are you wearing?
Me: A scathing look of disdain
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.