life finds a way
You Might Also Like
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
Me: Can I please be 7? It’s my lucky number.
Policeman: Get in the damn line up.
Me: You can watch me shower, but if my husband catches you he’ll kill you
Spider:
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
Why do they call it beauty sleep when you wake up looking like shit?
“Some people put a ton of research into their fantasy football team but I don’t get crazy with it” -my bf using two monitors with 3 spreadsheets and 10 tabs open
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.
“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt
“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump
I just clipped my little toe on patio furniture. Prayers needed for my husband who rearranged everything without telling me.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
A nice looking girl waved at me earlier today but there was no way I was swimming out that far to save her.
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
They say you should throw out anything you haven’t used in six months. There goes the vacuum!
Relationship status: Lucy holding the football for Charlie Brown to kick. She’s Lucy. I’m the football.
Me: These books are half price.
Wife: Yeah.
Me: So I can save money.
Wife: Uh huh.
Me: By buying ten times as many.
Wife: NO.
me: never meet your heroes
also me: hello cincinnati zoo?
yes fiona the hippo please
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I’m the friend that shows up with a shovel and alibi.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
You can pick your friends, you can pick your nose, you can cry when the girl you used to babysit gets engaged before you do.
When I was a kid I had a Giga Pet, and I shut off the sound at night so it wouldn’t wake me to eat. When I woke up, it was always either dead or hungry and drowning in its own shit.
So I’m just saying whoever thought it a good idea to give me kids was taking a huge leap of faith.
I look at beautiful girls the same way I look at traffic. Meaning that I’m stuck and going nowhere with them