life finds a way
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Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
Karma Chameleon is my favorite song about lizards getting what’s coming to them
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
What do you call an alligator thats wearing a vest?
An investigator.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
sometimes late at night i look up at the stars and wonder what life would be like if my hair was spaghetti. would i eat it? i prolly would. would i eat other peoples hair spaghetti? again, most likely yes
My husband said something about me reminds him of Jennifer Lawrence
I don’t know what he wants from me but whatever it is he’s going to get it
Confuse people by affixing “but not necessarily at this juncture” to the end of each sentence.
Shout out to that lifeguard who recommended moving the potato to the front of my speedo
I can’t deal with men any longer
Murphy does not need a real egg to feel accomplished!!He’s quite content with his rock, and VERY protective of it! After his spring hormones have run their course, he will get bored and move on to other activities. Poor rock.
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
My wife just got back from the grocery and apparently shopping for the virus includes two bags full of ice cream
“Can you explain this gap in your resume?”
Me: [sitting on a toadstool, blowing smoke rings] whooooo areeeee youuuuuu
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
Diarrhea is too hard to spell so I call it crapplesauce
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
I’ll straight up play reindeer games with a squid and squid games with a reindeer I really don’t give a shit anymore.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
[opens jar of olives and pours them in my garden]
“Now grow to be a restaurant”
We can’t afford to take our kids to a corn maze this year so we’re going to take them to an IKEA instead.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
Don’t fit in their boxes.
You’re not a cat.
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Real Estate Agent: it’s a 3 bed, 2 bath…
Witch: …but?
REA: it’s made out of gingerbread so lots of kids linger around
W: I’ll take it
Sorry that I passed you vapor rub instead of lip balm but your lips do look as robust as fortified wine now…Does that sting?
BOSS: We need to look in the mirror and see where we can improve.
ME: *to Gary, who I suspect is a vampire* Go ahead, Gary. You first.
Friendship Test:
1) Is it OK if we never speak?
2) Do you have a healthy and completely rational fear of octopi?
3) Can I borrow $800