Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
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I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
WIFE: this year, can you put the santa presents out for the kids christmas morning?
GUY WHO NEVER FOUND OUT SANTA CLAUS ISN’T REAL: what
My internet has been out for 24 hours and now my kids are moving out.
That was easy.
Mom used to say the only accessory a fashionable girl needs is a virtuous reputation. But it’s bracelets.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
I’m still waiting for my date from last summer to come back from the restaurant’s bathroom…
I hope everything is ok.
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
Me: Help! i need my stomach pumped.
911 Operator: Did you ingest poison, ma’am?
Me: No. Pizza.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
Me: Anyone else get the feeling their being watched?
…
CIA: They’re*
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
babe wake up, the chili discourse on Twitter has an update. someone made a deranged 30 tweet thread about carrots being in the chili despite there being no carro- babe no, babe stay awake, babe plea-
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
My daughter found and ate my hidden chocolate and her reason was she thought they were for everyone.
That
Cardio? Is that in Spain?
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
[spelling bee]
Your word is “pneumonia”.
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course, you can use any word in a sentence. No more hints.
Why a man would want a wife is a big mystery to some people.
Why a man would want two wives is a bigamystery.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
“Hello what’s your emergency?”
Me: Our carpet has got this stain on it and….damn they’ve hung up
Gf: WTF did you even tell them I’ve been stabbed?!!
Me: Amy, I think I know how to tell a good anecdote
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
From what I can piece together, this Pitbull character enjoys “partying”
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
13: *shoulders slumped dramatically, walking away from me* NO ONE ELSE’S MOM still makes them clean their room in a pandemic!
“I DON’T CARE IF YOU THINK IT SOUNDS GROSS THAT’S WHAT WE’RE CALLING IT” – Guy who named the sweater.
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[turns up radio in the car]
Me: I love this song. I want us to conceive our first child to it
Hitchhiker: dude just drop me off here
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.