The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
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A couple: *kissing in public*
Me: *perched in a nearby tree* Booooo
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
My phone just fell down a flight of stairs, but it’s ok, it was in my pocket.
So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
I’ll take an ice cream sandwich please. You know what? I’m trying to be healthy, can you change that to an ice cream salad instead? Thanks
Jan. 1, 2021: We did it, guys! That awful year is behind us!
Aug. 4, 2021: The snake wolves have taken Illinois. Here’s what that means for Ohio volcano refugees.
King’s men: sorry your highness…we couldn’t put Humpty Dumpty back together again
King (drunk af): let the horses try
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
I want to open a coffee shop at the Family Law Court called Grounds for Divorce
If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?
Couldn’t think of the word unscented so I said unflavored smell.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Jeweler- Lord of the rings
Fast internet- Lord of the pings
Vocalist- Lord of the sings
Trivia winner- Lord of the dings
Medical supply- Lord of the slings
Orchestra- Lord of the strings
Sports bar- Lord of the wings
Beekeeper- Lord of the stings
Tinder- Lord of the flings
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
Are you tired of having a great friendship?
Ruin it with Sex™
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
mario, from under the sink: yeah i see the problem, you got living mushrooms and turtles walking around in here. jesus buddy you got multiple castles back here. i’m gonna have to fight a dragon
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
*First day as a spy*
Boss: Did you bug the Russian Embassy?
*flashback to me ringing the doorbell and running away over & over*
Me: Ohhh yeh
you haven’t truly known fear until a long-forgotten furby in the back of your bedroom closet starts screaming in an australian accent at 3am