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[ after a spat ]
Me: Are you still mad at me?
Her: I guess not.
Me: [ reaching for her ]
Good!!!
Her:
It’s only a tidal wave when it’s headed toward you, if it’s headed away that’s a toodle wave.
The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
Well I’m not really sure why you put “Baby: Ages 0-6” on your resume, but more importantly, why were you a baby for so long
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
The twelve days of Christmas be like:
Days 1-4: Birds
Day 5: FINALLY, A DECENT GIFT
Days 6-7: oh… more birds
Days 8-12: Slavery(?)
Cats spend two thirds of their lives sleeping and the other third making viral videos.
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
Just opened a Christmas card and a Yorkshire Pudding fell out.
I love my Aunt Bessie.
How to Get a Girlfriend: Out at Sea
Me: *rocks boat*
Her: Hey!
Me: *rocks faster*
Her: Can we PLEASE go steady?
Me: I do.
[talking to a frat bro]
Me: Dude you have such a strong axe scent.
Carpenter Ants: Very industrious
Army Ants: Extra militant
Fire Ants: Drop dope AF mixtapes
[roommate watching me get ready]
dont take that with you
“why not”
why would you
“it’ll be fine”
[hour into date and I spill my bag of ants]
Wife: cuddle?
Me: ok
Wife: I mean with me
Me: *with my teddy bear* right
Friend: listen to me, I’ve been on plenty of first dates. I know what I’m talking about
Me: well if you’ve been on plenty of first dates, you can’t be very good at them.
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
6y/o: I don’t want to be a hunter when I grow up. I don’t want to kill animals anymore.
Me: ANYMORE!? *googling serial killer warning signs*
“We don’t have iced coffee”
Me: “You have coffee?”
“Yes”
Me: “You have ice?”
“Yes”
Me: “Were you raised in a barn?”
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
Alexa just started playing Unchained Melody, so I guess things with my ghost are getting pretty serious.
Part of being a woman means you can break your leg or be having a cardiac arrest & a nurse will still ask when your last period was.
I always get suspicious when I don’t see dishes in the sink like, wait, did I remember to feed the children?
Which letter is the silent one in the word “scent?”
Is it the “S” or the “C?”
New video game idea: Toddler simulator. Like the sims but toddlers only. Your job is to annoy the hell out of your parents. Touching stuff your not supposed to. Climbing on furniture. Throwing tantrums at random times.