The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
This year’s Christmas must-haves? Food, water and shelter! #theclassics
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
[minutes after eating mac & cheese] u know what would be amazing right now- and honestly it’s been a while since I’ve had it- mac & cheese
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
[determined not to have any awkward silence during date]
“so, what’s your favorite part of a banana?”
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
Me: Porcelain. Earthenware. Stoneware. Ball Clay.
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: Reciting pottery.
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
Day 1,459 of my son acting shocked and aggrieved when I tell him to go brush his teeth before bed.
Just had my nails done!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore
Son: What is wrong with those people?
Me: Stop staring. They’re indigenous to Wal-Mart. We are the outsiders here.
Yeah? Well the Bible also tells us that abstinence isn’t 100% effective, Mary.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
squirrels pondering the nature of why they end up on the wire they just jumped from a moment ago
Kid: There’s a monster living in my closet
Monster: do you have any idea how expensive a studio apartment is in this neighborhood
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
ME: [trying to console a friend whose house has been demolished] Cheer up, bulldozing is the sincerest form of flattery
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
The people making the worst decisions in Vegas tonight are standing in line at Subway.
To the woman I overheard telling her friend that she “literally died”, I have so many questions.
My Merriam-Webster app just caught me looking up a definition on Google 😬
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system