The Little Mermaid was a hoarder.
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Can’t believe anyone would attack this place
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*jogging back to the house because I forgot something*
My Fitbit: are you ok? why are you running? do I need to call 911? ARE WE BEING PERSUED
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, blocking the tv and getting him shot on Call of Duty.
“NO NUT NOVEMBER” I scream before stabbing Mr. Peanut with an Epi-Pen
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My first time driving a stick shift I popped the clutch and ran over a smallish apple tree and I’ve applied that same can-do attitude with its inevitable destruction to every endeavor in life.
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
I presented pragmatic, irrefutable facts and felt confident I made my case, but my dog would have none of it.
Officer: do you know why I pulled you over
Me: the warrant probably
Officer: you have a broken… what
Me: what
Me: Sometimes I cannot think of anything to say.
She: And yet you don’t shut up.
COUPLE: “We’re trying for a baby”
OWNER OF HOOPLA STAND: “You know that’s just a doll, right?”
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
“May your old acquaintances be forgotten and never brought to mind.”
-Sir Smirnoff
If a bear confronts you in the woods, make it go away by handing it a flyer for your boyfriend’s band’s show.
Children are so giving. For example, my kids gave me a cold.
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
For pride month you can’t say “let me get this straight…”, you have to say “just so we’re queer…”
Wife: Why is there a charge for $3,000 to Men’s Warehouse?
Me: I have no idea. Don’t go outside tho
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Bath bomb does not mean cannonball in to the tub. Now she is pissed and I need a new hip.
With the money I found in the dryer, the girl in me says buy chocolate and candy, but the adult in me says buy beer, chocolate and candy.
Whoa look at the moon it’s huge!
Phone camera: lol is it?
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
My wife urged me to be more experimental in the bedroom, but I guess she wasn’t expecting I’d be dissecting so many white mice.
[a commercial for tampons]
Hi babe I picked up the tampons you asked me for
“Screw you, you bastard!, I hate you”
Narrator: “Tampons”
The worst part about being drunk and seeing double is when you realize it’s just one slice of pizza
I don’t need WebMD to tell me what’s wrong with me, I have my mother.
“Sir, you cannot return your friend.”
But she got me a shitty gift.
“You can return the gift. Not the friend.”
Well that’s a dumb policy.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
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