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Okay. What I don’t get is, is dressing up as a ghost and scaring people away from your amusement park actually illegal? Just because some teenagers and a dog say so?
The closest I am getting to a tropical vacation is a coconut scented shampoo…
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Not sure if you’ll like golf? Walk on a treadmill for four hours under a sun lamp then throw away $75 when you’re done.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
On the news: there’s a shortage of maternity-ward staff.
You could say it’s a bit of a…*looks away*
*mumbles*
MIDWIFE crisis!
(…sorry.)
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
[inserting row in excel]
Excel: copy font format from the row above?
Me: no I’ll handle it
Excel: and copy border from below?
Me: no why?
Excel: idk :/
Me: *typing number* w-why did you make 31,320 a date?
Excel: it’s my birthday 🙂
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
I was homeschooled so my back to school pics were of me standing in front of the house before I went back inside.
Seeing Keira Knightley outside of a period piece is like running into a teacher outside of school.
You overpack for vacation and most of the stuff you don’t even wear, but your clothes need a vacation too. They seem to enjoy it.
men, we mow at sunrise.
i was in paris with a boyfriend once and he lit a candle in Notre Dame in order to ask god to raise the price of bitcoin
How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme![]()
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
[date]
“don’t let her know ur from twitter”
Her: whats wrong?
Me: This fork only has 3 prongs
Her: So?
Me: it should be called a threek
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
I approach.
“Girl are you a couch? Cuz I’m gonna try & fail to pick you up.”
She laughs. “I’m Jen.”
My training hasn’t prepared me for this.
All Virgos care about is food and like 2 other people.
Husband’s on fire today. He’s made lunch for us both and the smoke alarm’s just gone off.
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
5: wow, you look so pretty
Me: thank yo—
5: with your sunglasses on
Me: am I pretty without them?
*UNCOMFORTABLY LONG PAUSE*
5: sure
The first person to throw out bath water: Uh oh.
you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses
When people introduce a statement with “Not gonna lie,” it fills me with confidence in their honor and commitment to veracity.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?