Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
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Needless to say…*
*mic drop
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
I keep sending TikTok clips to 18 and she keeps ignoring them. Girl do you know how many handstands you made me watch in the pool? You owe me.
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I would like even faster food.
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Who called it emotional baggage and not griefcase
Me: will you wake your sister
4: no that’s way too scary
u date a person for a few months & they already be wanting to meet ur mom like chillllllll it took me 9 months to meet her who tf do u think u are???
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
why didn’t scooby doo smell that the ghosts were human
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.😁
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Support bacteria
They’re the only culture some people have.
Every time I think I’ve got my diet under control, they come out with some new and tastier way to make me fat.
Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
Sometimes I feel doomed in dating, but then a random internet man with a profile pic of Deadpool writes “that’s cause u havent been with me yet ;)” and I am filled with joy and hope
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
Actually, it’s illegal to be upset if you make a date on Halloween and they ghost you.
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
No sweetie, you can’t have your giant chocolate bunny for breakfast, that’s not healthy and also mommy ate it for dinner last night.