Stewardess: Both pilots are unconscious! Does anyone know how to land a plane?!
Dad who’s fed his toddler several times: *confidently stands up*
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Turns out that “no tear” shampoo doesn’t stop your kid if they’re already crying.
[Phish concert]
“I have to pee.”
“Go when the song’s over.”
“How will I know?”
3: Can I have another cheese slice?
Me: Sure.
3: I won’t squish this one in a ball and put it under the cushion.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn’t named after a letter?
online workout videos are either completely unhelpful like “30 mins of walking in place, every 6th minute do one squat if you feel comfortable with that” or totally insane like “find a skyscraper and scale it, no harness and no excuses, your life will never change if you don’t”
Me: I need to know where you are at all times. If you go somewhere new, text me. Understand?
Taco truck driver: Okay.
Before we were married, my wife was like a tiger in the bedroom.
Now she’s more like a possum.
She plays dead whenever a snake approaches.
Amazon packaging #BlowsMyMind
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
it’s time for sharks to evolve again. it’s been four hundred million years. be poisonous or something
Nobody knows how they got cats. One day you just have cats.
2020 was like “I know a place” … and took us to hell.
The best thing about wearing socks all the time is being able to clean coffee spills without lifting a finger.
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
opens dishwasher…
Me: Who put paper plates in here?
Dog: You live alone and I lack opposable thumbs.
Me: So who then?
Dog: Idiot
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
Becoming a grandparent is the one time it’s acceptable to choose your own nickname and people blow it EVERY TIME. Why would you be Grampy when you could be DEATHBLADE.
A friend wants us to do something tonight and I asked her to name 5 things so I could say no to 4 of them.
Oh good, instead of socks or electronics or whatever…now Amazon can also deliver your life-saving medications to someone else’s house.
I will never feel sorry for people who complain about getting screwed in their divorce.
Hell, I can’t even get screwed in my marriage.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
I was going through a stack of yearbooks yesterday when I saw I was voted “Most Likely to Steal all These Damn Yearbooks”.
If a bank robber yelled at me to get down on the ground and then my apple watch told me to stand I’d be legit conflicted for a second
Dude tried to pick me up at the gym but I was like bro I’m dying just let me lay here
I can relate to Alice in Wonderland. She just keeps randomly eating and drinking with the hope that it might magically solve her problems.
Protip: Never take your wife with you to your annual checkup. She will tell the doctor way too much about you.
Nobody talks about how much of a newborn dad’s job is literally being a chair
whenever i see a baby, i take its candy. i need the win more than the baby does.
When I was a kid there were two sure ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents.
me: can we go to the steakhouse?
him: stop calling the barn that. you’re making the cows nervous