TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
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Coworker: What was your college major?
Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
I had to rescue my phyllo pastry ski mask from a volcano yet again. That’s right, my baklava balaclava was back in lava.
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
i’m selfie-employed. yes sir i’ll make a duck-face. right away sir.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
watching hockey for the first time and man do all these guys have different ideas about what should be happening to that black dot.
This weather better stop actin like my teenager’s mood
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
there is no need for awkward apologies if you walk in on someone and they’re naked, just say “haha saw your doodle” and walk off. simples
If I took every USB cable I’ve ever owned and strung them end-to-end, I’d have a cable 34 miles long that I still couldn’t find when I needed it.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
[First Day Working At The Zoo]
Me: Well I got the pandas to have sex. It was super easy.
Boss: They actually mated with each other?
Me: Oh not with each other
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Hi, I’m your car’s radio. I’ll be playing terrible music during your trip, but once you get out of the car I’ll play your favorite song.
Me: I’ll take Complete The Phrase for $1000.
Alex Trebek: If you love someone, you should set them…
Me: What is “on fire”, Alex.
My son got his soccer ball stuck in our tree so I remedied the situation by getting 3 of my husband’s shoes stuck in the tree instead…
Teamwork makes the dreamwork
I’ve been collecting toe nails in a mason jar for over 12 years. Better to have ’em and not need ’em.
Hey when I die will you please put my body into a box and then bury it in a big yard specifically for body boxes?
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
If at first you don’t secede, try, try again.
~ Theresa May
Dog knew jumping the last level was a waste of energy…🐕🐾😅
My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Surprise sex is by far the best thing to wake up to! …Unless you’re in prison.
I have the grace of a baby giraffe on a bicycle.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Fun prank: ONLY explain gay marriage to your kids and then watch other people try to explain their weird straight marriages.