My friend uses ‘supossebly’ and I never correct her. I like her irregardless.
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Your baby isn’t 48 months ffs…he’s 4 years old.
I don’t go around saying I’m one thousand, one hundr….
Hold on…Imma need a calculator.
My kid: You know what I’m thinking??
Me: [sigh] If I say yes, do you still have to tell me?
If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
Adult life is constantly saying to your friends let’s do something soon and suddenly 6 months have gone by
The pipes burst at my best friend’s house and I accidentally told someone his water broke
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!
Your Bio says you like music. That’s amazing. Seems like everybody else around here hates music. Kindred spirits, you and I.
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
Operator: what’s your emergency
Me: my fridge fell on me
Operator: is anything broken
Me: some eggs maybe
My wife said she for Lent she was giving up eating meat. I thought she did that after the wedding vows.
having sex w/ a girl who has multiple personalities would be awesome unless one of those personalities was hitler
The new MAX app friggin ROCKS! My favorite thing is when I go to watch an episode of TV I’ve previously viewed and it brings me straight to the end credits then immediately autoplays to the next episode’s end credits as well. Smart! Everyone knows the credits are the best part ☺️
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
they really do be looking like this
A missing 3YO was found inside a bowling alley claw game. After many failed attempts to get him out, police just settled on the turtle doll.
Spelling out ‘A-L-E-X-A’ so your Alexa device doesn’t respond, is the new, spelling out ‘W-A-L-K’ so your dog doesn’t get excited.
Needless to say…*
*mic drop
waiter: how did u find your meal sir?
me: i… i looked down
waiter: have a good day
me: love you too
*spider falls on my desk*
*pulls fire alarm*
*stands in hallway & points firefighters toward my desk*
Serious question: how long should your hug with the pizza delivery guy last? I don’t want things to get creepy.
The floor after my kids eat one granola bar
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
Wife and I are at that age where foreplay is just us describing things we’d probably do to each other if we weren’t so tired and achy.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
*tries to take off date’s bra*
If you-
*tries again*
If-
*again*
If you would take off the hulk gloves this would be easier
*looks up*
NEVER
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.