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A drop of roof water hit my face and I reacted like it was liquid herpes.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
tv host: and you’re all going home with a copy of his new book!
me: pfft i am NOT learning to read for that guy
Me: Is…is this a toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Why did you hand me a toenail?
Kid: Because I want to take it home
Me: Is it YOUR toenail?
Kid: Yes
Me: Throw it out, please
Kid: No, it’s a part of me
Me: Do you save all your toenails?
Kid: No…should I?!
Me: DEAR GOD, NO!
replaced rob thomas’ Smooth microphone with a dilly bar. a refreshing treat for our sweltering king.
A new dating show where couples have 30 minutes to meet, date, get engaged, get married, buy a house, raise 3 kids, retire, travel and die old together.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
The Olive Garden waiter went for a pack of smokes and never came back, so I really was family
Covid eyebrows: I pet them, comb them and sometimes ask my daughter to braid them…
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
When you work at McDonald’s they put Mc in front of your name. Unless you’re called Beth. Then you’re known as “the Scottish play”
Why is the recorder so ubiquitous in school music class?? If any kid was ever actually good at playing the recorder, we would all know of at least one adult who eventually went pro
Ok who has flying ants in the August sweep stakes? I had dyslexic badgers so not my month 🙄
Student:Why do we need to know this?
Me: To look smart for your friends.
Student:What if I don’t want to look smart?
Me: You’re doing great.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
I never got the cat spayed but we did have ‘The Sex Talk.’
I got a new vacuum that sucks so much, it was directed by M. Night Shamalayan
I have so many questions.
Miss 10 is making her bed upstairs.
[Sound of sellotape ripping]
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
Did you know that nuns have to eat a banana with a knife and fork?
Alanis Morissette should write a chemistry book titled Isn’t It Ionic?
Hey, hey…calm down please. Stop crying. I think all babies are ugly, not just yours.
I thought $3 eggs 🥚 were a lot
Until a saw a small bag of pistachios at the Airport going for $18
* heats water for tea in the microwave *
* delights at the reactions from purists *
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
“Be there in 5,” I text, though I am 30 minutes away, completely nude, and engaged in a fist fight with a neighbor.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.