does my company policy say i can bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? no. does it say i cannot bring 7 or 8 ducks to work? also no.
You Might Also Like
Me: *trying to fill the void with food and booze*
Fellow Astronaut: THAT WAS 12 YEARS WORTH OF SUPPLIES!
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
I dropped a LOT of acid in the 70s. It was sulfuric acid. I worked for a chemist you see…well a few chemists. I kept getting fired for dro
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
baby: a-a-
mom: his first word!
baby: According to all known laws of aviation, there is no way that a bee should be able to fly. Its wings are too small to get its fat little body off the grou
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
No matter how happily married you think you are, there will always be those times when your spouse eats that last cookie.
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Who called it a biological clock and not an egg timer?
Somewhere, some Nigerian lawyer is wondering why you’re not sending him the personal information that he needs to give you your inheritance
Stuck behind a school bus & locked in an intense staring contest w/ a kid at the back. I’m 45 min. off course but I’m not gonna let him win.
It’s okay to get rid of the boxes for the electronic thing you’ve had for the past four years
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
me: I’d like 2 copies of Math For Dummies
cashier: they’re $5 a piece
me: [sweating profusely] here’s $47.00
confession: when my barber spins me around and hands me a mirror to check the back I just fake it. Who is even that coordinated?
A starfish has five arms.
An anablep has four eyes.
An octopus has three hearts.And you’ve got two faces.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
A seven nation army could definitely hold me back.
Did you know that there is a little lonely man inside automatic towel dispensers that gives you a towel because he’s happy you waved to him?
My husband got me a really sweet card for our anniversary. I read the whole way through, and the very last part says “happy birthday” 😂
He was so close.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
If you can’t say anything nice, say something funny.
I don’t need to pull an April Fool’s joke on you…apparently life beat me to it.
“omg you’re filtered.. If you ever go missing no one will recognize you to find you”
Ummmm I’m not seeing the down side here
The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
What do you call a really small strawberry? 🍓
Strawbarely.
#StrawberryDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
*me liking the smell of gasoline* “i have really expensive taste”