The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
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DATE: I want someone that brings me fancy gifts
ME, A CROW: [revealing a shiny bottle cap I found] m’lady
The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
When the battle starts, but it’s also laundry day
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
Many years ago I took a Cosmo quiz to discover the best names for my future kids. Seamen and Boomquifa have yet to appreciate my efforts.
My neighbor just snapped his fingers at me to get my attention.
In related news, hiding a dead body is not as easy as you think.
Nobody runs faster than a 4 year old holding your iPhone.
Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
*aliens return to ship*
ALIEN LEADER: Where are the humans?
“We left them”
AL: Why?
“They didn’t look anything like their selfies in rl”
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
Just pointed out to my in-laws that their anniversary falls on hump day, so follow me for more tips on creating awkward family moments.
I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.
ME: i saw a guy on the back of a van
FRIEND: …and?
ME: that’s it i guess
I turned to her and said “We’re all just seeking validation, aren’t we?” She just ignored me, stamped my parking ticket, and handed it back.
I feel bad for all these athletes training for the Olympics in 2016 since we’re all gonna die in 2012
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
It’s kind of an ongoing competition between me and this cactus to see who can drink less water
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
I just found my new favorite conspiracy theory …
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future