Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
You Might Also Like
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
I never understood how a mother could lift a car with a child trapped under,
until my phone got stuck under my bed.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
*Wife sends me a link*
*I click on link*
*Buy whatever’s at the link*
*wait for delivery*~Christmas shopping for my wife
I bet M. Day Shyamalan movies would be a lot less scary, am I right?
Me: New outfit?
Wife: This old thing? I’ve had it for…
Me: The bank sent me an alert on my phone.
Wife: …minutes.
I think I’ll make spicy masala mixture for a curry to serve alongside some naan bread and chai tea, in other words:
spicy spicy mix mix with bread bread and tea tea
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
There are exactly two (2) kinds of names in DnD
1) Ephena Solancae Diuturna of Theviara II
2) Smork Dirtbag
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Multitasking is key these days. If not during my husband’s work video call, when am I supposed to sport my wedding gown and roll by on a skateboard
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Me: Have fun on your date.
Son: What if she drinks too much, or gets high?
Me: You really aren’t my kid are you?
*phone rings
Me: Hello?
Telemarketer: Hello how are you today?
Me to son: Come here baby, SpiderMan is on the phone!
SUBWAY EMPLOYEE: What would you like-
ME: I’D LIKE TO CREATE A SHOW ABOUT A DOG WHO FLIPS HOUSES
SE: -on your sandwich?
ME: FIXER PUPPER
I try to live my life like every one of the ten people Beyoncé follows.
Huh, this is a first
Never had an ambulance follow me to the gym before
They must know
All of my loved ones know, that if I ever use the phrase
”He seemed nice, but he was a Capricorn” in a call, they need to get the cops involved, ’cause I’ve been kidnapped.
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
I’ve gained so much weight during this time off, my dating profile just matched me with a refrigerator.
When our food came, I suddenly blanked on “bon appetite” and blurted out “mea culpa,” but she seemed fine with it.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
gonorrhea would’ve been a good name for a diarrhea medicine.
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
Be the reason why your priest clutches their rosary when they look at you.
I’ve got all my ducks in a row but these chickens have no concept of symmetry.
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.