Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
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doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
WIFE: you need a haircut
ME: I do not
WIFE: *whistles and a little bird pops up on top of my head, chirping*
ME: shhhh, she just had babies
My daughter has recently become deathly afraid of our cat. So I’m going to have to get rid of her. At least I’ll have my cat to comfort me.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
A ’diagnosis’ is always bad. No one says ”I was diagnosed with a great sense of humor and a new understanding of global economics.”
You missed Mass online, which isn’t great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
*approaches woman in club*
Me: Would you like to dance?
Her: Sure.
Me: While you’re dancing can I sit in your chair? I’m really tired.
Son: Can you teach me about fractions? Me: Sure. I love 2/3 of my children.
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
When a Chinese takeout forgets your dumplings, you can sue them for wonton negligence. Hey-ooo!
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles
dracula: venn
me: probably tomorrow
I don’t flex at the gym…but I will air dry to the Macarena to buy myself some space in the men’s locker room.
Wife: do we have any Kool-Aid?
Kool-Aid: *Burst through wall* OH YEAH!
Me: seriously Martha?
Batman: *crashes through window* WHY DID YOU SAY THAT NAME?
I’m going to leave the presents out and hide my kids in the closet until Christmas.
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Badminton implies the existence of a more sinister sport: Goodusedoff
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
Hey Verizon, here’s an idea ~ $9.99 for unlimited calls, text, and data. But, $179.99 a minute to call ex-girlfriends.
Autocorrect turned your lynch mob into a lunch mob? Maybe if you ate something you wouldn’t be so angry.
look for my book on Amazon: What To Do When Your Teen May Be Abusing ADHD Meds But Goddammit His Chores Are Actually Done For Once
The only hot singles in my area are in my wallet
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
“I’m not a violent person but people can change”, I whisper as someone takes a bite of my food.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Anyone: Hey, can I ask you a personal question?
Me: *sound of footsteps running away*
If you don’t wear pants, you’ll never poop them.
– Old folks home fortune cookie