This won’t work unless you stop asking questions about why I brought a smoked turkey leg to bed.
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[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
Me: Excuse me sir, what’s your Wi-Fi password?
Him: *[Leans in] *[Whispers angrily]
THIS IS A FUNERALMe: *[Types in]
THIS IS A FUNERAL
The male mayfly, living for just 1 day, has only 12 hours to become successful enough to buy a sports car, get hair plugs, and start sleeping with his secretary.
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
[airline check-in]
SERVICE DESK: ok, I see you have no bags to check, you must be traveling light
PHOTON (wearing fake mustache): haha what makes you say that
Find someone who looks at you like Roger looks at a barbecue.
Just got another idiot, who now thinks he’s good at karate, to paint my fence and wax my cars. Lol.
*Mr. Miagi on Twitter
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
“IT’S A BOY” I shouted, tears rolling down my face “I DON’T BELIEVE IT. A BOY!” It was at that moment I chose never to visit Thailand again.
i actually don’t have any problems, i only go therapy to brag
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
My favourite part about playing video games is probably thwarting evil. You never get to thwart anything in real life. I like to thwart.
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
So much rainfall recently that Devon is now officially classed as a soup.
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Don’t be ridiculous, I would never use capitalization as a form of passive aggressive behavior karen.
Dad: Thanks for cleaning your room Emily. Unlike certain other children of mine, who will remain nameless.
Son: *eyes welling up* Please give me a name, I’m 17
Ugh, my stomach is killing me. I wonder if eating this chocolate cross left over from Easter will help?
I wonder why my book “101 ways to scare the postman” hasn’t arrived yet?
How to Be a Librarian:
1. studySHHHHH
2. but iSHHHHH
3. eSHHHHHH
4.SHHHHH
SHHHHH
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
HER: I like talking during sex, but I can’t stand it when you narrate the whole thing
ME: As she complains, I begin removing my pants slowly