My favourite part of today was when my kids hugged it out and then checked their backs for kick me signs.
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If your wife offers to cook you eggs and bacon at 3 in the morning, it’s not your wife and you’re at the Waffle House drunk again.
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Pro tip for picking up girls – keep your back straight and lift with your knees.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
Some things in life are inevitable. Birth. Death. My husband storing everything he owns in a massive pile next to his side of the bed.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
*turns away*
*water returns*
What the ??
*approaches pond*
*water recedes*
Oh, I see. This is a coy pond.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
I love those friendships that are based on a shared admiration for wood chippers and deep freezers.
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
Cartoons falsely taught me to expect encountering an unimaginable amount of anvils in my day to day life
Dear burglar, I’m really sorry about all the mess getting in your way, I wasn’t expecting company
When someone looks over my shoulder while I’m on the computer, I open up a new tab and start searching, “HOW TO KILL THE PERSON BEHIND ME.”
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
things that baffle modern science
1. Stonehenge
2. The Pyramids
3. How my liver is still functioning…
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
“Did you get that thing done I asked you for?”
Was looking at smoking pipes on Amazon & realized that CW could look at my history.So,I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Dating Tips.
C all her 69 times a day.
R ing her doorbell and hide.
E avesdrop by phone tapping.
E ye her bffs.
P oke her on FB.
[inventing trees]
Angel: what purpose do they serve?
God: they give us oxygen. Also cats like to climb em
Angel: can they climb back down?
God [inventing the fire dept]: they cannot
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.