I don’t usually sing Adele, but when I do, it’s usually on the toilet in the middle stall in the men’s washroom at work.
You Might Also Like
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
A good relationship is when she is by your side during bad times to tell you that none of this would’ve happened if you had just listened to her.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
her: did you know makeup expires?
me: *spits mine out* what
in the office ordering extra garlic sauce with my lunch schwarma much like a skunk deterring predators
son: can I borrow your tie for my interview
dad: my what
son: I need a tie
dad: one more time
son: *sighs* your business necklace
Just ate a burrito the size of a baby *coughs up pacifier*
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
[wife crosses out another baby name off the list]
What? What’s wrong with Carlos Danger Grenades?
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
“He’s probably more afraid of you than you are of him,” I say, as a kodiak bear mauls my friend Jeff.
thanks auntie mary
wife: are you still reading that stupid dorothy and scarecrow wizard of oz fan fiction
me: i’ll have you know 50 shades of hay is a true literary masterpiece
the circle does fit the square if it’s a pizza.
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
There are two kinds of people in the world: Those who divide everybody into two kinds of people, and those who don’t.
Apparently there is a mountain high enough.
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
instead of eating lunch I just ate a bunch of olives so ….. yet again …..
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
“god I love doggy style” I say excitedly as I put a top hat and bow tie on my golden lab
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
ok this is my dumbest yet
*The First Ever Rodeo
“…Does anyone know what we’re supposed to do?”
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
[Attorney’s office]
*checked box for cremation*
*signed last will and testament*Guess I just made an ash out of myself.
Wife: *rolls eyes*
Did he also sign the DNR?
Microsoft Word is the most sensitive thing ever. You move something half an inch and all the pictures move, 3 new pages inserted, fire alarm goes, thunder and lightning, volcano erupts, stock market collapses
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.