If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
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I’m down 10 lbs since Christmas and all I did was drink more water and stop eating gingerbread houses.
OPTIMIST: this glass is Half Full
PESSIMIST: this glass is Half Empty
GLASS: actually my name is Carl
– Then use a paw of oregano and a tooth of salt
-Are you kidding me? How much is a ”paw”?
-You say ”a pinch ” all the time and nobody asks. Figure it out. You’re the 5 star chef, n’est pas?
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order so I bought an epilator. I’ve got this.
Me: Now do you believe me?
Wife: The fridge isn’t haunted.
Me: Then who made all that ice?
Wife: *walks away*
Me: WHO?!
If a stranger starts talking to me in an elevator I say “I don’t want to talk in case we get stuck and I have to eat you” that usually shuts them up.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
KiK? Nope. I only joke about divorce. I’m not committed to it actually happening.
People keep inviting me to stuff. I miss the pandemic.
As a parent it’s my job to shout “Be careful!” at my children just after they’ve fallen over
Psychology says:
People will believe everything written after “psychology says.”
Wait, 12 years a slave isn’t about marriage?
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
My wife always complains that I pack too many rocks in my luggage but I’ll be a goddamn hero if the worst should happen and someone needs to spell out SOS.
Pharmacy employee you’re too unhappy for someone who is in control of all the drugs.
{Antiques Roadshow}
APPRAISER: This is from IKEA.ME: Yes.
APPRAISER:
ME: I still have the extra screws. If that matters.
Friend: *texting* come out tonight
Me: *three days later* who’s gonna be there
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
A haunted house, but just with a bunch of mall kiosk guys chasing you with face cream
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
flight attendant: sir u can’t bring that on the plane
me: this is my emotional support refrigerator
I like to use the formal version of people’s names.
So like, if your name is Terry, I’ll call you Terrence. Larry, Lawrence. Barry, Barrence. Bobby, Bobbence. I don’t know any girls.
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping