*appears in puff of smoke at a public pool*
“Warning, what you’re about to see may shock you!”
Hey! What are y-
*touches live wire to water*
You Might Also Like
[boarding plane]
ME: Shotgun!
COPILOT: Can he do that?
PILOT: Looks like you’re in economy today, Ted.
COPILOT: *clenching fists* Damnit.
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
“So what are you going to do?”
“Ask my boss for a raise.”
“Because what are you?”
“I’m a pelican.”
“And not a…”
“Pelican’t.”
“That’s right.”
“Thanks Marty, I really needed that.”
“No problem, buddy.”
The person who invented autocorrect should burn in hello.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
The “I Voted” sticker should have a frowny face on it this year.
My friend met a wonderful man and swears that her dead ex-boyfriend sent him to her. I’m so jealous. I wish my ex-boyfriend was dead.
I don’t consider myself to be an overly dramatic person, but I have had a mosquito bite ruin my life.
My toddler eats with her right hand but is ambidextrous when it comes to total destruction.
Today’s Tarot Card: I warned you not to pet the Hell Hounds.
*Gets bit by spider*
*I don’t get powers*
*Spider develops bags under all eight eyes and starts yelling at my kids*
Girl, yo grammatical atrocities so huge, you need typosuction.
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Everyone’s been asking me how I would improve shoes. Here is my answer:
If I were 30 years younger, I’d remember where I was going with this tweet.
Forget Prince Charming. I want a bed that changes sheets daily and legs that always feel clean shaven and when the two meet each night the sleep is magical.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
In lieu of working today i’m gonna commit crimes
My “life hack,” channel on YouTube is super popular but it’s just me ordering my assistant to make a meal, clean the clothes, scale a building using only twine. Put a mastiff face on the cheetah in the CRISPR lab, steal a kidney in a car, not a hotel room…. Pretty mundane.
me: *looking down from a roof* a ladder would only slow me down now
Me: I’ll have a scotch on the rocks with a twist
Bartender slides drink
“Your dad’s alive. He’s hiding in Cuba”M: Did NOT see that coming
[•[•[•[•[•[•[•_•]•]•]•]•]•]•] Lego guy gang comin right at u
My super power is getting offended when someone tells me to write something down so I don’t forget it, then forgetting it 5 seconds later.
I have this burning sensation right down here,
doc.
Let’s take a look.
Oh. Never mind. My flash light app was on.
My husband’s family tree is more like a rosebush.
It’s filled with pricks.
I read a sad statistic that something like 2% of all sushi goes un-Instagrammed.
I really upset my wife last week but she seems to have forgotten all about it. In fact she’s forgotten a few things since then, like my deadly nut allergy and the whereabouts of my epipen.
[first date]
HER: I love to learn
ME: (trying to impress her) I spent two extra years in high school
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.