me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
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NEWS ANCHOR: Here’s Gary with day 1 of his outdoor summer weather report.
GARY: [frying an egg on the sidewalk]
I quit. Back to you, John.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I would correct your grammar but you don’t use any.
In Seattle, there’s a code that states when two people are walking towards each other, the one with the bigger coffee cup passes first.
My last turkey joke was deleted due to fowl language.
#Thanksgiving #RubbishJokes #ThursdayMorning
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
Amazon probably spends millions on search engine optimization and ad software yet somehow hasn’t figured out that after buying a vacuum cleaner I’m not immediately going to need another
There are two reasons I often don’t reciprocate:
1. I get distracted.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.
Killers in crime shows think they can cover up strangling people but the coronor is always inevitably like “his neck was snapped in a way that was inconsistent with a heart attack”
Me trying to ask someone for a favor: Hey could you help me with this thing? Absolutely no pressure though. Totally ok if you can’t. If you’d rather run me over with a car that’s cool. Are you mad at me?
.@LAPD My wife made hazelnut “coffee” with my coffee maker. Send all available units.
“Please refrain, Angry God, from using the Newspaper of Doom” the Spider King cries as he orders another sacrifice into your sleeping mouth
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
A friend took a picture of me that made me look younger and thinner, so she’s my wife now.
Instead of saying a package is Family Size, it’d be more helpful if it listed a time frame, like 3 Hours Worth of Cookies.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
Me: You’ll always be my girl.
Daughter: Even if I break stuff?
Me: Depends on which stuff.
[Screams into a dark wishing well]
“I want my coins back!”
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Did I break my fitbit record? yes
Did my kid take over wearing it halfway through the day? also yes
Honey we’re having guests tonight, break out the fine jina