a paper airplane that doesn’t fly is just stationary
You Might Also Like
found a guy hanging out in an alley in palm springs
Him: do you know an easy way to draw three flying birds?
Me: mmm
Him: thanks
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
No one makes more observations than a child sharing a stall with his mother inside a public restroom.
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
“Misinformation” oh you mean lies, just say that
Me: *finishes up dinner date*
Me: *sits down at new table* Sorry I’m late, traffic was awful
Her: …you were literally sitting at the table right next to this one
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
If I say, “Don’t worry, I’m on it,” there’s a 98% chance I’m referring to my couch.
I like big NUTS n my pecan pie
u other bakers cant deny
When a treat comes n with a crust too thin & the crumbs get on my chin
It gets FLUNG
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
I think it’s fair to question whether or not Barack Obama is an American. I mean, look at him.
He’s awfully thin…
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
Him: I should of told you I loved you a long time ago.
Me: *starts crying* It’s should have.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
What?
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
banned from the local bowling alley for softly moaning when i put my fingers in the ball
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
“why is all our cereal stale?!?!”
my 9 yo says as he puts away the clearly wide open cereal box back in the pantry.
EXECUTIVE: this ones not about murder is it
STEPHEN KING: its about children
E: ok
SK: in corn
E: thats nice
SK:who murder
E: dammit Stephen
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
How many calories does an audible sigh burn? Because I don’t think my Apple Watch is giving me credit for them.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Don’t be silly! A kid’s name doesn’t affect the type of person they become. Now come and hold my sweet baby Lucifer Charles Manson Hitler.
you can never lose a homing pigeon. If your homing pigeon doesnt come back, what you lost was a normal pigeon.