[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
You Might Also Like
It’s all fun and games until someone from real life recognizes you and you realize you’re too small to drag off the body.
Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was younger I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the tv channel.
WD-40 doesn’t stop my joints from creaking, in case anyone else was considering this.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
I’m working on a movie about the life of Pennywise the clown after he quits killing kids to pursue a career in sticky notes called: Post-It
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
Will you 💍💍 meow meow 💍💍 me?
Women have a good 6th sense. I smiled at a girl in the mall once. When I got home I opened the door and my wife met me with a drop kick.
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
so amazing how my parents found each other even though they were from opposite ends of the eyebrow spectrum
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
[My cooking show]
Me: Today we’ll be roasting a pig. Kevin, come on up.
Kevin: *crying*
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
*seductively peels off lederhosen
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
the scariest thing about jeff bezos is that he is impossible to ratatouille
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
ive never seen any flies in the house but this spider is getting fat so how do I tip a spider?
*dipping a pine cone in my coffee* Gosh I just love fall
Mouse astronaut, six seconds after setting foot on the moon: I have been lied to
They should make fortune cookies with more obtainable fortunes:
You will vacuum the living room.
You will run into the coffee table.
Having allergies is so embarrassing. Could I have some medicine? I’m being bullied by the air.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Friend: Did you already eat or do you want to get some food?
Me: Yes.