[in a bar]
Him: Trouble is my middle name.
Me: wow… That’s a stupid middle name. You must hate your parents.Him: *breaks down crying
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How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I’ve been reading about a scientist who’s working to increase the size of male deer.
He’s hoping to make big bucks.
I have read all the opinions on Will Smith and Chris Rock.
My conclusion is that people are irritating.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Wife: *points to 2-year-old* Her shoes are on the wrong feet.
Me: That’s what happens when she puts them on herself.
Wife: I watched you dress her.
mob boss: rip his fingernails off
henchman: they’re bitten really short
mob boss: then do his toenails!
henchman: [removing my socks] you’re not gonna believe this
Does anyone else start driving like there’s 4 dismembered bodies in the trunk when a cop is behind you?
I’m going to need all parents to listen to me when I say “LOOK AT THE DIMENSIONS OF THE DOLLHOUSE BEFORE PURCHASING”.
Just trust me on this one.
Signed,
Proud owner of a small house that would probably fetch $1100/month on Zillow.
5: *comes in room* hey old lady
Me: *looks around*
5: *looks me in the eye* hey old lady
Me: *packages him up in Amazon box and puts outside for collection*
r/relationships
I (36m) met my girlfriend (32f) at the exact moment after i sucked helium from a balloon to do a funny voice for a buddy. now weve been together 8 months & Im constantly having to suck helium from balloons when shes not looking because she thinks that’s my voice
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
me: want to go to the ice rink?
friend: i can’t stand ice skating
me: you’ll be able to with practice
They must have had a really good laugh when doctors realized that thermometers could be taken orally too.
Answer every question with “Yes, but is it deep-fried?”
[Throwing a ball for my dog]
Dog: I’m not wearing the gown though
it was easy to be a drug dealer in the 60s because dogs weren’t invented until 1978
Major milestone today — found my first grey pubic hair!
But once I picked it out, the burger tasted pretty decent.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
Me reading cooking instructions off the bag I just threw out
Me: Be good and I’ll give you a Fudgsicle
4-year-old: Give me a Fudgsicle or I’ll be bad
Positive reinforcement is no match for blackmail.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
I confused the spatula with a flyswatter is why that is floating in your soup.
Have a nice weekend
YOU have a nice weekend
No YOU have a nice weekend
*gets in coworker’s face*
I WANT YOU TO HAVE A BETTER WEEKEND THAN ME
Sixteenth rule of fight club: membership dues received after the 5th of the month will incur a 10% processing fee
Nervously, I close the bag. “No way,” I tell myself. “It’s not like she’s gonna count the fries.” I start to sweat.
Sometimes my dreams are so realistic that I have to talk myself out of them. Today it was, “you can’t try out for the baseball team, you’re 36.”