I’d say go to hell, but I don’t want to see you again.
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
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I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll
Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.
My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.
*answers phone call from boss*
I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!
Doc inserts needle
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?