@ramblinma

Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—

Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*

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@better_off_dad2

I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:

InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00

@Okeating

I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.

@lemonmartinis

Dear people who question why girls go to the bathroom together – Hermione went alone and got attacked by a troll

@DiamondLou69

Pink has done surprisingly well as a solo artist ever since her and Floyd split up.

@Feenohmenal

My ex said he would die for me. All I’m saying is, it was his suggestion.

@mydmac

*answers phone call from boss*

I TOLD YOU TO STOP CALLING ME AT WORK!

@pleatedjeans

[blood bank]
Doc inserts needle
[turns around]
YOU AGAIN!
[vampire sucking on tube like straw]
GO ON SCOOT
[chases him from room with broom]

@huntigula

Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?

Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?

@jimmytorosian

What idiot called it “leaving right after sex” and not “nuts and bolts”?