the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
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I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
*applies Chapstick throughout our entire 13 minute conversation*
Do NOT do this 🙄🙄
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
The AC guy is coming tomorrow and I expect him to fix all of my typos
Superman: I got this
Batman: I’ll help
S: Look, you just slow me down
B: I’m a detective
S: …
B: I have batarangs
S: Do you hear yourself?
carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full.
everything in the world is about sex, except Uno. Uno is about power
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.
Satan: *to a huge audience* Welcome to the end of days
One guy who hates calendars: Finally
Before I take a shower: I hate it in there, the wet world is a bad place
While in the shower: I remember now that this is a good place, it is the dry world that is the enemy
I should have known my son was stealing from his road construction job, but every time I came home I guess I just ignored all the signs.
Don’t ask me for advice I still don’t understand what a 3D printer is.
DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
I bet you could move to the UK and start calling people a, “bleeding tea cozy mop ringer” and it would eventually catch on
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
Me: Cute cat. What’s his name?
Date: Mr. Yum Yum Burger.
Me: Why can’t a cat just be Mike?
Date: I don’t see a future for us.
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
If your wife asks “would you like the fan turned on?” the only correct answer is get up and turn the fan on.
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Her: Stop undressing me with your looks.
Me: Sorry! There, I just redressed you.
Her: You idiot. I wasn’t wearing this!
[concert]
lead singer: HOW WE DOING TONIGHT, INDIANAPOLIS?!?
me, from the back of the venue: I DROVE IN FROM A NEIGHBORING SUBURB SO I DON’T FEEL COMFORTABLE ANSWERING FOR THOSE LIVING IN THE ACTUAL CITY!
Home is where the Wi-Fi is.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.