yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
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the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
Just got kicked off a corn forum for saying you can eat the cob. I’ll just sign up with a different name. They can’t silence the truth.
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
Me: They should make all kid clothes out of raincoat material because of how often they spill things.
Also me: [watches my kid spill juice on herself while wearing a raincoat, all of which immediately splatters onto the floor] Oh
Kid: You’re my bestest friend, Mom.
Me: *eyes well up with tears* Bestest isn’t a word.
ME: No idea why I can’t sleep right now
FOUR EMPTY CUPS OF COFFEE: uhhh—
ME: [avoiding eye contact] No idea at all
An email from my parents: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: FW: Obama’s a Muslim
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
I know sacrifice. I’m willing to pluck a few extra hairs to get to the white ones
I was feeling really, really stupid today. And then I remembered that there are probably other people out there that also feel really, really stupid. And I felt a little better. Thanks everyone.
“How’s your love life?”
Well, I went on a date. 45 minutes in I realized it was a turtle in a wig.
“I’m sorry man”
it’s ok. still got laid.
Please disregard what I said in an earlier tweet. Just learned the ducks in the park are not “free ducks” and you’re NOT allowed to take one
definitely thought i’d be solving mysteries and unmasking ghosts in a van with a dog by this point in my life
Trump’s gonna be sooo mad when he finds out that China realized building a Great Wall didn’t keep foreigners out 400 years before he did.
I wish had the patience of a former coworker who would peel her strawberries
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
“The entire sky is mine to explore!Nah, Ill just swoop dangerously through traffic instead.”- Birds
ME: [inflating second “E” balloon]
WIFE: Are you sure you know how to spell happy birthday?
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
A dog opens the front door.
Wearing a suit, he drops his briefcase, walks to the couch, and crashes next to his owner.
“Hey, buddy. How was work?”
And the dog goes “RUFF.”
You lost your mind? Don’t worry. Ask any mom and she’ll find it within two minutes.
“We have a new product, it washes hair but it needs a name”
Shamcrap?!
“Awful”
Shampoop?!
“Get out!”
Shampoo?
“Genius!”
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
Dear Abby,
I never thought this would happen to me. Today I met a sexy woman who told me I write letters to the wrong publication.
The only problem with the free bread they serve to your table at restaurants is that they don’t do it everywhere else. I want to be served focaccia while I’m getting my car fixed. I want my doctor to offer me a baguette and olive oil while she’s checking my blood pressure.
Remote start, keyless entry, feature allows me the privilege of losing my keys- while I’m driving.
I asked my doctor if this heavily advertised, extremely ineffective medicine with many frightening side effects might be right for me.
DENTIST: Looks like somebody has a sweet tooth.
ME: Lol no, that’s just a skittle that got wedged up there.