it’s “wake up little susie” because no one wanted to mess with big susie
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*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
[First day as a Vegan]
Me: *pouring soy sauce in milk*
This is awful.
I’m not a god.
I’m a regular guy who just happens to be immortal and perfect in every way.
There’s a difference.
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower
“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”
*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*
Toddler: *5 minutes of incoherent babbling*
Me: Oh yeah?
Meatloaf was so named because of his incredible likeness to his father, Meatlo.
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
Does anyone else still miss that part of the pandemic where it was illegal for anyone to come near you?
Asking for a friend. x
I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
The world is my oyster. Too expensive to enjoy every day.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
Deleted all the hot people I want to do sex with. So if you’re seeing this… you’re ugly… nobody wants you. I’m sorry you had to find out this way.
WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?
ME: Actually I think it was-
*cat makes throat slice gesture*
-the wind
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
Me: “Dude, I brought another dress for you to clean.”
Dry cleaner: *takes off headphone* “Sorry, come again?”
Me: “No, mustard.”
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My wife is hilarious
We’ve been trying to get ahold of our sons daycare corporate for 4 months and they literally do not answer phones or email
She applied for a job and when they contacted her for an interview she asked to be transferred to the person we needed to talk to
…..pretty much.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
My horse kicked me in the head last month and sent me to the ER. My insurance is telling me to sue him.
I don’t like swiss cheese because a block is like half air and I prefer cheese to oxygen
80 years ago we would have all been institutionalized and I think that’s beautiful
respect
[Gameshow]
Host: “You are one question away from our grand prize. How do you feel?”
Me: “With my hands.”
Host: “Correct!”
*crowd goes nuts*
Me: There’s a fly in my soup.
Waiter: I’m so sorry, sir. I’ll sort this.
*puts a spider in the soup*
Waiter: Hopefully this won’t take too long.
I want to be rich enough to tell the Chipotle cashier, “Guacamole is NO OBJECT!”
I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are