“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
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Thanks for telling me this is your “pet cat” because otherwise I might have thought it was your business associate cat.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
shampoo commercial: do you want more volume in your hair?
Medusa: absolutely not
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
Me: hi! I’m here for my appointment.
Doctor’s office: ok have a seat in the lobby. For like an hour. Then I’mma put you in a lil room for two hours. While you’re in the room people wearing scrubs will come in and out a few times. None of them will be the doctor. $5000 plz
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
15 men all vying for the chance to fight with one woman:
1. The Bachelorette
2. The American presidential race
Samsies.
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
“If the landlord asks, you’re a Chihuahua.”
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
I know I’m destined to become a Disney princess when my cat brought me an amputated arm one summer morning after a dragon destroyed my town.
fighting against the coronavirus by wildly swinging a broom as though there is a bird in the house
[phone rings in 1984]
“Eric get the phone”
Hello?
“Tell em I’m not home.”
She’s not home.
“Ask who it is.”
My mom wants to know who this is.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I’ll take 2 tacos and one jail marriage…
If I was a mafia don’s wife, I’d keep the couches wrapped in plastic if only to keep my kids in line.
My boss told me I scare and intimidate people including my co-workers
so I challenged him to a staredown.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
*Arrives in Hell*
Devil: Here, help these 5th graders with common core math
Your honor, may I approach the bench?
Judge: You may
*benches 200lbs in 3 sets of 20 reps*
The defense rests
Me: Do you like the new ceiling fan?
Her: Yeah, but the fan light is really dull.
Fan light: Ok wow like I’m right here
[at restaurant]
Me: What’s under all that garnish?
Her: Nothing, it’s a salad.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it