So annoying how every time I go to sleep, my wife starts whispering into my ear “Go towards the light.”
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Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.
Then they call me ugly and poor.
i want a reality show that’s just footage of the losers’ car ride home after family feud
ME: Make every guy afraid of me.
GENIE: As you wish.
ME: (a tampon): son of a
AT&T had a nationwide outage, giving kids an authentic 1900s experience.
People who say I’m hard to shop for obviously didn’t see how excited I just got finding an almond on the couch.
My dog: I can do a magic trick.
Me: what?
Dog: I can turn cat poop into dog poop.
Me: please don’t.
Me: [every single day for 18 months]
da da…say da da. Can you say dada? Say da daaa…daaaa daDaughter:
Me: shit
Daughter: shit
*throws away a paper clip I haven’t used in 20 years*
[2 seconds later]
Shit I need a paper clip
You’ve restored my faith in humanitNOPE THERE IT GOES AGAIN
[Girl’s night out]
Girl 1: Omg I haven’t had sex in so long, I swear I have cobwebs down there
Spider-Man’s GF: *nervous laugh* HAHA SAME
INTERVIEWER: your resume says that you take things too literally
ME: how the hell did my resume say that?
“We’re all in this together” used to sound comforting — until I realized it means I’m relying on a lot of stupid Americans to stay alive.
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
If Barbie and Oppenheimer has taught us anything its that there should always be two movies
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
“come on there is no place safer than on the surface of an asteroid out in the middle of space what could possibly happen out here”
Friend: I’m not trying to butt heads with you, but…
Me: *dons helmet, tightens chin strap, braces for impact* BRING IT!
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
I want to become a librarian so bad. I love books but I love telling people to shut up even more.
Please boss, tell us again how important it is the company gets to $3 billion in revenue. I bought an 18 pack of beer with dimes last night.
[birthday shopping for Wife at Tiffany]
Me: diamond bracelet?
Clerk: $10,000
Me: cubic zirconia?
Clerk: $5,000
Me: glass?
Clerk: $2,000
Me: beaded plastic?
Clerk: $1,000
[later]
Wife: [opening present] is-is this a friendship bracelet?
Me: I made it myself : )
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
*gets hit by a car*
Passerby: “ARE YOU OKAY?”
Me: “Please… I need my… phone”
*opens Twitter*
Me: “LMFAOOOOOOO YALL GUESS WHAT”
I had a dream that I was making an offer on a house and it came with 12 kids. I asked the owner “why aren’t you taking all your children?” She replied “I don’t like them.”
I thought dreams weren’t supposed to make sense.