[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
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ok but this should absolutely be the only acceptable method now
Have you ever looked at someone & thought, you sure could benefit from getting a library card?
A student today met with me virtually in her pajamas with a blanket and a hippopotamus crocheted hat on. I was so jealous.
Usually before i join a teams meeting, i mute my mic. this morning i joined a call and thought i hit mute but i did not. as i joined i let out a huge long sigh that 22 people got to hear. now i need to find a new job.
Kid: if you could turn invisible, what’s the first thing you would do?
Me: take a nap
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
This woman got so offended when I asked if I could pet her son, like I’m the one who put him on a leash.
You can’t mix skeleton and hellhound armies because the hellhounds will just bury the skeleton soldiers for later.
My dancing style can best be described as “Guy On Maury Who Just Found Out He Isn’t The Father.”
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
Timothy Chalamet as Willy Wonka is interesting. On one hand he looks like he’s never actually had chocolate before and on the other he does look like he would enjoy killing children in creative ways while wearing a goofy outfit.
Me: What is the thing you want most for your birthday?
6yo: A recorder.
Me: How about a pony instead?
My boss to a new applicant: You never get a second chance to make a first impression right?
Me about to inflict some post traumatic amnesia on him with a computer monitor: ʷᵉ’ˡˡ ˢᵉᵉ ᵃᵇᵒᵘᵗ ᵗʰᵃᵗ.
[inventing the toaster]
engineer: Ok it burns the bread if you put it at 4
chief engineer: perfect. Make it go up to 8
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
I should get something accomplished, but the cat wants me to sit with him right now.
I have Buzzfeed blocked for 20 reasons: number 18 will shock you
me, waiting for the doctor on the exam table
Hahahaha, no I’m not pregnant, I “eat for two” everyday. Enjoy your last summer on Earth, neighbor, you have made a vengeful enemy.
They say nothing rhymes with orange. I must be pronouncing it wrong.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Wife: We get 1 “cheat meal” on our diet. I want tacos. What do you want?
Me: The waitress.…And that’s why I’m not getting laid tonight.
You can tell A LOT about a Woman’s mood just by looking at her hands…
…for example…If she’s holding a gun? She’s probably pissed.
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying