I don’t suppose you’ve seen those two boiled eggs I left sitting on the kitchen sideboard by any chance?
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It might sound childish, but when my wife pisses me off, I dry my hands on the towels that “are just for decoration”
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
The problem with hiding snacks from my kid is that when I forget they end up being hidden from me too
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT
dads be like “go help your mother” bro go help your wife
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
I’m opening a healthy alternative all egg-white omelet breakfast joint.
I really think my “Whites Only!” restaurant idea will be a hit!
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
I was disappointed he didn’t mean the UK when he said he’d take me to pound town.
That’s not fat. It’s bonus content.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
I think we should send notes to our bosses like when we were in school seeing if your crush liked you but it’s “will you give me the raise I deserve check yes or no”
If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
science teacher: scorpions have 10 to 12 eyes
kid (taking notes) s-c-o-r-p-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-I-o-n which is it? 10 or 12?
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
Me: I’m a mature adult woman who can handle anything
Also me: *has to pack my blankie wherever I go or I can’t sleep*
WIFE: *all sexy* You know, instead of going to the gym, we could…work out…in the bedroom
[Upstairs Later]
ME: *doing bicep curls with a weighted blanket* You were so right, babe.
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)