Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
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I’m like a cheetah, but slow.
I’m sorry, we can’t hire you. But your background check was hilarious.
cats are so dumb how do u only learn how to say one word ur entire life
It’s wild how many grown adults complain about being in debt. Like, it’s not hard. I have zero debt in my early 30s, all because I’ve worked since I was 16, I don’t spend money on things I don’t need, and my great great grandfather invented doors.
Now that I’m in my mid-forties I think I’ll take up parkour.
I get pissed if Alexa doesn’t understand my commands with a mouthful of mashed potatoes.
I bet nobody noticed Superman flying around at first, so Clark just started pointing out every bird and plane until it caught on
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
HER: [parallel parking] i’m so bad at this
HIM: you should probably get tested
HER: lol it’s not that bad
HIM: i have chlamydia
[3rd Date]
*To myself* ok, you really like this girl. Just play it cool, detached.
ME: I don’t even care what season we get married in.
I just want a woman to look at me the same way my cat does when I’m eating a piece of chicken.
HER: Are you free Friday night?
ME: Let me check my colander.
HER: Your…
ME: *checking* Nope, sorry, I’ll be making spaghetti.
Top causes of divorce:
1. Finances
2. Infidelity
3. Unmet expectations
4. Growing apart
5. Tandem bikes
“your cat will eat you when you die” yeah but he shows infinite grace by making no attempt in the meantime. leave him alone
Vacationing Putin fished, hiked, swam, and wrestled a bear.
Vacationing Trump rode a golf cart to his other golf cart.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
My son told me I’m not fat I’m just almost fat and that honestly made me feel really good
[announcement over PA at work]
“FREE TACOS IN THE BREAKROOM”
*I walk there so fast the noise from my corduroys breaks everyone’s eyeglasses*
In space, nobody can hear you scream for ice cream. So remember, before trips to colonize the galaxy bring your Ben & Jerrys.
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
Genie: ok, this is your last wish
Me: Could you speak up a bit?
Genie: YOU IDIOT!
*Tosses a strand of lights over the pile on the laundry chair*
The tree is up.
“I think this ice cream is spoiled.”
*me drunk, eating mayonnaise*
I don’t sit on the floor without a detailed plan on how to get back up
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.