I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
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Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Who said Humpty Dumpty was an egg at any point in that little song! The artist just sat there like “lol i’m gonna f*** with them and draw him as an egg”
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Me: My neck is a little stiff
Web MD: You’re in rigor mortis
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
I burnt my tongue and now everything tastes like a 9v battery.
[ SEXT ]
Me: Hey naughty girl, what are you wearing right now?
Her: Footed pajamas
M: …
H: …
M: …
H: …
M: K, gnight
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
tell em, edith-anne
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
🤣could you imagine
Love to go to hipster restaurants and eat half a grilled cheese off an old license plate.
me: I’ve finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Talking about me behind my back? Good. My ass likes attention.
Chess says everything about men & women. The King has to take things one step at a time, while the Queen can do whatever the hell she wants.
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Sorry the edible underwear weren’t edible anymore by the time you tried to eat them. It was a long drive to your apartment.
Pretty sure this is the only account you need right now➡️@thefunnytweeter
I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me
If you do ever have the opportunity to ride a tandem bicycle by yourself, find a crowded bike path and scream at the top of your lungs “ARE YOU EVEN PEDALING, JANET!?”
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
@realbadger @BelleofBabble @MasterDragonfly @chellemybell22 @funTweeters @ScottyRay35 @Namadontste @danieldaking @EsquireTags @robyndwoskin @DamianVanore23 @absrdNEWS @EvilHashtagRef @shenanigansen @NurseClick @varmone_chuck @SOSHashtags @dbotke10 @MusicalHashtags Hey all you sexy humans, keep up with living your lives as best you can.
Here’s to the struggle, the days we don’t want to get out of bed, the epic failures everyone tears away from like a fart in an elevator.
They’re the only thing
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
Internal me: Gurrrrl, you are being crazy. Reign it in.
Actual me: So I just need to say one thing…
Saw a sticker that said “my son was an honor student”. I almost got sad, but then I thought maybe he’s not dead, maybe he’s just stupid now
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?