My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.
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I wouldn’t recommend drinking too much and wrapping presents. I still can’t find my remote.
Whenever I get a call from a telemarketer, I just treat them like a free therapist. We can talk about my car’s extended warranty after you figure out why I’m afraid of pralines.
If you get a present from me with scissors and a roll of tape trapped under the wrapping paper, I’m gonna need those back.
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Everyone becomes a robo-dancer with their hands when the motion sensor faucet isn’t working.
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Please, call me Yuri, let’s get right to it, have you ever committed a crime?
Me: Yes, I stole a penny from my mom’s swear jar, it was the Crime of the Cent, Yuri.
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
My life is just like the Friends theme song if you take out all the references to having friends.
Your body is a temple. Mine is a graveyard.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My dog just came downstairs and made me go back to bed like he’s in charge of me or something.
Anyway, I’m back in bed now if anybody needs me
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time and wait for the first person who ever said it to say “it is what it is” so I could smack them in the back of the head with a shovel.
PROFESSORR: So, Attilla’s rise had a lot of unintended consequences.
ME: *Raises hand*
PROFESSOR: Yes, Andrew?
ME: Hunintended.
PROFESSOR:
ME:
PROFESSOR: Thank you, Andrew.
This remains in the top 10 best memes of all time.
I told someone my name and they said, “That’s unusual. You don’t hear that every day.”
Actually, I do.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
They made everything too expensive I have no choice but to become a rich celeb now
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
friend: i just had an edible
me: you can just say food
You can’t tell me there’s anything better than ear plugs, I simply will not hear it
picking up knife:
picking up knife in movie: *SHING*
Explaining your life to that friend you talk to once every two months.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
Got to my dad’s house and he was showing me all the food he has for me to snack on and he goes “and I have a guacamole ball” what’s a guacamole ball you ask? well I will tell you. an avocado. He has an avocado.