My husband keeps nagging me to get my oil changed, which is ridiculous because I swear I just did that three thousand months ago.

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If you ever feel like a complete moron never forget that I managed to text my wife today that she forgot her mobile at home. You’re welcome.


40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant


[whispering] don’t tell mom or dad but I killed a hiker and stashed the corpse in a hollow log. we can snack on it later


I know my car needs a wash and valet, but with 3 kids still at home I figure I may as well wait until the youngest moves out. She’s 7.


No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.


My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.


I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.


[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]


Poor Luigi when his parents were all, “This is Mario, we also call him ‘Super Mario’. And this Luigi, we also call him ‘Player 2’.