Lowes can be picky, they refused my coupon. Some lame excuse about written in crayon
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Establish dominance at your in-laws by continuing to eat that piece of fruit even though you didn’t know it was plastic.
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Friend: Who’s that?
Me: Oh…that’s crazy Kathy.
F: Why do you call her that? Is she funny or something?
Me: No. She eats hair.
JOKER: Why so serious
ME: Have you seen the news?
JOKER: Ok fair
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
Stephen Fry is being investigated for blasphemous comments.
Stephen Colbert is being investigated for a joke.
LET MY STEPHENS GO! 😡
If God judges me solely on my twenties, I’ll be going to hell in at least five different religions.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
Password security questions be like: What’s your middle name? Why are you single? What’s wrong with your big toe?
When your great-grandchildren call you racist for thinking all monkeys look the same.
M: Twitter has helped me tremendously as a writer, as it demands tightness and brevity.
Friend: What do you write?
M: Oh, only tweets now.
The band and I decided to go our separate ways after they saw my audition.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
What does it mean when your therapist throws up into the trash can, not once, but twice during your session?
As a baby I took my son Caden to the park. Other kids there were Aiden Jayden Brayden & Ben. The parents that named Ben should get an award.
oh frick my wife just asked me to bring 10 pages of my best “husbanding” to the living room for a review
The dentist gives me toothpaste when I leave. Step up your game gynecologist.
Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.
If you keep your AC any higher than 75, please don’t invite me to your terrarium you lizard.
I prefer the term “quirky”, it sounds less diagnosable.
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Me (holding two sticks of butter): now where did i put that stick of butter? hmm i guess i didn’t get one out. hey kiddo could you grab a butter
My Son (also holding two sticks of butter): i just checked the fridge. we’re all out
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
he’s doing your taxes
Handing the bus driver a $50 bill and telling him “Just drive”.
Great now my sugar daddy just left for smokes
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”