I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
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Him: I’d take a bullet for you
Me: I’ll allow it.
My father once told me, “Son, if you want people to listen to what you have to say, claim it’s something your father told you.”
*walks into a dollar store*
excuse me, where would I find the dollars?
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Y’all will never guess what her husband bought her. I’m hollering!!
Both ‘Horrid’ and ‘Crummy’ are underrated descriptions. Teach your children Victorian adjectives and be eternally amused.
every other girl looks super cute in her leggings & boots & sweater and here i just look like your jazzercising aunt in her stirrup pants from 1991
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
I need a way to keep fit that will make me look like a crazy person so no one will approach me while I do it.
-inventor of powerwalking
I bet my church never imagined it was even possible to twerk to Amazing Grace.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
Server: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have olives.
Me: I think there has been a misunderstanding. The name of this establishment implies there would be olives in droves. An incomprehensible abundance.
Server: I’m sure you’ll enjoy our pasta selectio-
Me: Is this even a garden??
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
Me, after playing Hot Cross Buns on the recorder: Honestly I didn’t write that, it was a cover. I’m working on some originals though.
Science Teacher: outside these walls, there are bullies. but in the classroom, there is only science
[I smile and look into my microscope where an amoeba flips me off]
The girl in front of me googled “med school GPA” and then immediately after googled “what can I do with a biology degree”.
I have witnessed someone face reality.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’m 6’4″ and built like someone who ate someone who was 6’5″
*drinks beer from my glass slipper*
Me: Get off the iPad and play with your new gifts.
9yo: Ok, can you help me set up this microscope? Do we have vinegar and distilled water for this craft set? How does this weaving loom work? Can you do a mad lib with me?
Me: Go play the iPad.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…