To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
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yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
I may eat animals, but at least I wait until they’re DEAD.
Plants are ALIVE, vegans.
You disgust me.
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
Cop: get down!
Me: *starts dancing*
Cop: *shoots at my feet* FASTER
My dad said he thinks his new gf is the one and I said well technically she’s the fifth one
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Who called it a one night stand and not a humpty dumpty?
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
IF THE FLINTSTONES WERE REAL THEYD HAVE TRIED TO CONTACT US BY NOW
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Cool I just discovered I can speak my tweets into my phone exclamation mark
My 5yo asked me where his shoes were and when I told him I didn’t know he told me “that’s not a good enough answer daddy” so where is he keeping all that audacity?
“and how does that make you feel?”
Friend: have you ever been to Norway?
Wife: sadly no.
Friend: why not?
Wife: my husband said we can’t afford it.
Me: that’s not what I said.
Wife:
Friend:
Wife: [sigh] he said we can’t afjord it.
me: i would like a *prepares to wow vietnamese waiter with my attention to pronunciation* “pho”
korean waiter: we do not serve this dish
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this preschool.
When in Texas…
*heads into the desert*
*hugs cactus*
*shoots said cactus*
*rides off into the sunset on horseback*
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Everyone’s all up in arms about how undemocratic the electoral college is and yet we let our weather be decided by A SINGLE UNELECTED GROUNDHOG??!!?!?
Boy ant: Feel like a swim?
Girl ant: Can’t, I’m not boy ant.
If movies have taught me anything it’s that when someone says, “sir, you can’t be in here,” if you retort with, “no no, it’s ok,” it totally becomes ok.
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
Forgiveness is for people who don’t know about arson.
If you throw your hands in the air like you just don’t care make sure you put your coffee cup down first.
I know that now.
9: [who only had 97 snacks today] Are we ever gonna eat dinner?
Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
Why do we always have to have a reason to get off the phone?
Why not, “Okay I’m done talking now bye”