Guess what? My husband doesn’t let me cook because I burn everything. Did I sneak behind his back and make fried chicken today? Yes. Because sometimes you have to prove yourself. Did I catch the kitchen on fire? Also yes
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Shopping- don’t do it on an empty stomach
Swimming- don’t do it on a full stomach
Blowing raspberries- don’t do it on a stranger’s stomach
Apparently cat did not get memo on time change. He’s been using my face as a trampoline, trying to wake me up for the last hour. 😐
Toddlers LOVE to help. Then they get older and are actually able to help… Which is when they start to roll their eyes and complain.
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
( spelling bee )
Your word is “passive-aggressive”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Sure, kid.
I’ll hold up the contest just for you.
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
[Funeral]
Her: [Through tears] I’m gonna need your support today
Him: You got it babe [waves flag and presses air horn] WIFE! WIFE! WIFE!
Every work call, he judges.
Girl, are you a conspiracy theory?
Because I want to listen to you all day long even though I find it hard to believe a word you say.
i sadistically pat the top of my sandwiches before eating them like good job now you die.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
Me: I’ve seen this before. Whatever I wish for will come back and bite me in some way.
Genie: I promise that won’t happen. I’m so sure it won’t I’ll give you infinite wishes if it does.
Me: Okay. I wish for a boomerang with teeth.
Genie: You sonofa-
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
I smelled alcohol and got all excited then realized it was only hand sanitizer.
Turns out 83% of parenting is finding their shoes every morning.
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
In the new Star Wars film, Han Solo goes to Chewbacca’s home planet and discovers that all the other Wookies wear pants.
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!
What do you call a Mexican who lost his car?
Carlos.
*sees sharp scissors, hot glue guns, and simmering office rage*
Maybe team building with arts and crafts wasn’t such a great idea.
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
If you can’t beat em, don’t join em, just use a bigger hammer.
“What’s the going rate for a neighborhood kid?” is not the way to ask if anyone in the area is offering landscaping services. I know that now.
why is every reddit relationships question like “i [F29] love my fiance [M34], except whenever we fight, he takes a dump in the living room, then makes me refer to his dump as ‘Mr. Hoskins’ and apologize to it. am i overreacting? our wedding is in 6 hours”
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
The first three quarters of a meeting takes three quarters of the time, and the last quarter takes the other three quarters of the time.