Going to a Kenny G concert must feel like being on hold for two hours.
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interviewer: can you explain this gap in your resume?
lady that posts recipes online: well, it all started in the summer of ’21, when i decided to visit italy to reconnect with my roots
Indiana Jones and that one time he went to his actual job
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
Cult leader: we need to sacrifice a virgin to appease the Gods.
*everyone looking at me wearing Jorts*
Me: what?
Absolutely delighted that our new Baggage Handling facilities are cutting waiting times.
*me, at the bank, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my 12 dollars lives
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
If you eat french fries and then drink a milkshake, every time you burp it will taste like a donut. Please continue following me on the twitter dot com for more life inspiration.
If you had more money you’d be happier.
Always wear clean underwear, In case you are abducted by aliens
That moment when you get introduced to a dog that has your kid’s name.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
The year is 2020. Hip hop has fully merged with dubstep, creating the genre of music known as Dubhop. All hope for mankind is lost
When a friend dies, I’m not sure if I should unfriend them on Facebook or occasionally “poke” them to see if they’re still dead.
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is when it gets dirty, you can just put it in the dishwasher.
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
My IQ score says I’m intelligent. My dating history disagrees.
The tea party my toddler invited me to feels more like a hostage situation.
If I ever saw a Tyrannosaurus Rex in real life , I’d be scared.
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
Effort made
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
If the Unabomber was so smart, why did he pick such a suspicious name
Kids today have no idea how easy they have it. I was forced to spend the greater part of my youth as a TV antenna.
[shark tank]
Me: have u ever wanted to eat the luggage tag on ur bag after a flight
Mark cuban: no
Me: look no further
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
EARTH:
SUN: please dont
EARTH: 🎶you-
SUN: seriously dude come on
EARTH: 🎶spin me right round
SUN: *sigh* 🎶baby right round
EARTH: 🎶like a record baby
SOLAR SYSTEM: 🎶right round round round