Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
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[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
Preacher: He who lives by the sword shall die by the sword
Me: *sweating*
My neighbor (who is an actual sword): *glares at me from the end of the pew*
wife: You’re going to work like that?
me: Yeah, it’s casual day
[20 minutes later]
me *calls wife* Can you bring me some pants?
“wya?” my limit bro. i’m at my limit
I am just a man.
Standing in front of a cat.
Begging them to stop biting electrical wires.
Damn, can’t believe I’m getting all of this backlash just for being objectively shitty
I think I was a horrible mom, bc when my kids refused to put on their shoes before school, they just went without shoes. I also might have laughed when I watched them get escorted to the office… while I stood there with a bag of shoes.
My company has a nicotine like addiction to conference calls.
Shaggy and the gang are out there trying to discredit demons all while hanging out with a talking dog. My dudes, that IS a demon
[Planning a heist]
ME: Did you scope the place out?
PARTNER: Yes, they have two armed guards
ME: So we’re evenly matched in terms of limbs
We’ve run out of coffee so my girlfriend pressured me into knocking next door. So I knocked and awkwardly asked them to go to the shops.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
Her: could you not do that?
Me: but I’m just being me
Her: OK, good. So you understand the problem.
I’m not necessarily saying that quinoa is repulsive, all I’m saying is that Cheetos are already prepared.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
Ever get home, look at your hair in a mirror, and wonder how many small children you terrified while you were out
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
if you drive a shitbox you know the code.. don’t talk smack about the shitbox or the shitbox will remind you quick who’s in charge of the situation
“Hi I’m Dave and I’m an alcoholic”
*uncomfortable murmur*
“I’ll be your captain today. Our flight time into Phoenix will be 3 hours and
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
If Kim Kardashian & Snooki were drowning & I could only save one, I’d have a hard time deciding whether to make a sandwich or take a nap.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
me: *glances at wife optimistically*
wife: just drive
I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
M-I can’t go. My Ewok is sick.
H-Gigi that’s a stuffed animal.
M-
H-
M-Crap. I think you’re right. I bet he ate all my Doritos again.