if you’re not easily offended, why are you even here?
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Marriage: an institution where having to slightly adjust your mirrors every time you get in your car puts you in a homicidal rage.
WIFE: there’s a bear outside our tent
ME: so
W: so scare him off
M: *unzips door* Donald Trump might become president
*bear jumps into fire*
Doctor: eating every 2 hours is wrong
Me: yea, 2 hours is a stretch
I don’t mean to brag but I stopped eating an incredible meal because I was full and didn’t need anymore.
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?
Hello! Is it me you’re looking for?(Lionel Richie, speed dating)
Handing out samples at Costco:
“These are mini hand sanitizer/toilet paper sandwiches, they’re really popular right now”
What do we want?
Cheese.
When do we want it?
I already ate it.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
[hamster construction site]
“Colin, you seen Dave?”
I left him manning the concrete mixer
“Oh no”
[cut to Dave having the time of his life]
Babies love to shake things, but hate to be shaken. It’s like, pick a side, babies.
My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old
There’s a Gulf between peoples’ appreciation of cartoons. Dubai doesn’t like the Flintstones, but Abu Dhabi do.
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
This guy must really want to impress me with his endurance skills. Because when I asked if he wanted a ride, he said “No thanks I’ll walk”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
There is no doubt in my mind, I would trade my ovaries for another liver.
McDonalds food takes so long because they have to mold the clay, paint the items and then spray them with real food smell
“Great. Like the short arms thing wasn’t humiliating enough.”
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
“Let’s go round and introduce ourselves”
#SixWordHorror
My MIL told my (Canadian) kids to pick something she can send them from Target. Without hesitation my 6yo asked if Target sells diamonds. My work here is done.
me: [sets to bed time reminders on my Fitbit to be responsible]
Later that night
Fitbit: time for bed
me: DON’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO
Moms are dying for the day they build a daycare inside a spa inside a Xanax factory inside a vineyard.